You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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