I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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