No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
