god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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