I wish I only lived at night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
