birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
