I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
