So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
