Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
