All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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