Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
