I just threw up on my dentist
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
