Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
