I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
