Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
