She just used a chaser for red wine.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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