The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My balls are so social today.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize