R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
