I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
