'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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