I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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