so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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