whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
