We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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