Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
