I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
