Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He had one of those small greek statue penises
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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