he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.