she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
