one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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