dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
