did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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