my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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