So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Randomize
