Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
