Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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