Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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