Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots