She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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