I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
