No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
