We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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