bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
