woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
