So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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