I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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