***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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