i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
