just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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