I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
