Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
