are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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