The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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