Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
