In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
