Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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