I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
