On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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