I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can I color on your dick again?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
