I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
